Stonewalling often appears in various relationships, including romantic partnerships, family systems, and even the therapeutic alliance. When someone emotionally withdraws, stays silent, or disengages during conflict, it can break down communication and understanding.

Therapists working with couples or individuals facing this issue need to recognize and address stonewalling effectively. If ignored, it can halt therapeutic progress, increase distress for everyone involved, and deepen relational wounds.

This article explores the clinical definition of stonewalling, its psychological roots, and ways to handle this complex dynamic in therapy sessions. Therapists can help clients break this pattern and encourage healthier communication when they understand the roots of stonewalling and use targeted interventions.

The Psychology Behind Stonewalling

Stonewalling, a term popularized by Dr. Gottman is often a physiological and emotional response to feeling overwhelmed or attacked. It typically fits within the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response, generally under the "freeze" or "flight" categories. This behavior may arise from a person's trauma history, attachment insecurity, or learned family dynamics.

Recognizing Stonewalling in Therapy Sessions

In couples therapy sessions, stonewalling often becomes apparent through visible signs. 

• Silent Treatment: Refusing to talk, giving the other person the silent treatment. 
• Avoiding Eye Contact: Refusing to make eye contact, turning their back, or looking away. 
• Withdrawing: Physically leaving the room, going to another area, or isolating themselves. 
• Short Answers/Non-Verbal Responses: Providing one-word answers, grunting, or otherwise demonstrating a lack of engagement. 
• Dismissing Statements: Telling the other person they're not talking about something or that the issue is not worth discussing.

These actions indicate a disengagement from the interaction or conflict, and a withdrawal from emotional connection or intimacy.

It's important to remember that stonewalling isn't always a hostile act. Often, it functions as a protective mechanism for the individual who feels overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally flooded. They may resort to stonewalling to avoid saying something hurtful or to prevent the situation from escalating further.

As a therapist, your role is to gently highlight the stonewalling behavior without assigning blame or judgment. Some effective strategies include:

• Observe and reflect: Describe the behavior you're noticing in a neutral, non-accusatory way. For example, "I noticed that when John expressed his frustration, you became very quiet and looked away."
• Validate the underlying emotions: Acknowledge the feelings that may be driving the stonewalling, such as fear, shame, or helplessness. This can help the stonewalling partner feel seen and understood.
• Reframe as a shared challenge: Present stonewalling as a common relationship dynamic that both partners can work on together, rather than an individual fault. This promotes a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility.

Differentiating Stonewalling from Other Dynamics

While stonewalling shares some similarities with other communication patterns, it's important to distinguish it from dynamics like intentional silence, passive aggression, dissociation, or taking a thoughtful pause. Here are some key differences:

• Intentional silence vs. stonewalling: Intentional silence may be used as a boundary or a way to calm a heated situation. Intentionally staying silent can invite a response from another person, or help someone emotionally regulate. In contrast, stonewalling often arises from feeling overwhelmed or defensive, and typically shuts down connection and communication.
• Passive aggression vs. stonewalling: Passive-aggressive behavior involves indirect expressions of negative feelings, such as sarcasm or procrastination. Stonewalling, on the other hand, is a more complete emotional withdrawal and refusal to engage.
• Dissociation vs. stonewalling: Dissociation involves mentally disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, or sense of identity, often in response to trauma. While it may look similar to stonewalling, dissociation is a more involuntary, psychological response.
• Thoughtful pause vs. stonewalling: Taking a thoughtful pause during a conversation can be a healthy way to gather one's thoughts or prevent saying something impulsive. Stonewalling, however, is a more prolonged, emotionally reactive shutdown often during conflict, or discussions around conflict.

It's also important to recognize that healthy boundaries and stonewalling serve different purposes in relationships. Boundaries are set to maintain personal autonomy and well-being while preserving the connection. Stonewalling, in contrast, often shuts down communication and emotional intimacy altogether.

Lastly, therapists should be aware that certain cultural or neurodivergent communication styles may be mistaken for stonewalling. For example, some individuals may be more comfortable with longer silences or may need more time to process their thoughts before responding. Therapists must be sensitive to these differences and avoid pathologizing diverse communication styles.

Clinical Strategies to Work Through Stonewalling

When working with clients on stonewalling in therapy, the main goal is to assist them in overcoming emotional shutdowns and encouraging healthier communication habits. Here are some practical strategies to address stonewalling:

1. Introduce structured breaks: When emotions escalate, suggest taking a brief break to help both partners calm down and reduce emotional flooding. Set clear guidelines for these breaks, such as a specific time limit and a plan to reconnect afterwards.
2. Teach physiological self-regulation techniques: Show clients how to practice deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or grounding exercises to manage their physical stress responses. These techniques can aid individuals in staying present and managing their emotions more effectively.
3. Encourage partners to express the underlying reasons for stonewalling: Create a safe space for clients to explore and share the emotions driving their stonewalling behavior, such as fear, fatigue, or a sense of helplessness. Validate these experiences and help partners develop empathy for one another's struggles.
4. Facilitate safe, structured re-engagement after shutdowns: Develop a plan for how partners can reconnect after a stonewalling episode. This might involve setting a specific time to revisit the conversation, or practicing communication and active listening skills. 
5. "I" statements: Encourage clients to use "I" statements when expressing their emotions, such as "I feel overwhelmed when..." or "I need some time to process my thoughts." This approach helps to minimize blame and defensiveness.
6. Active listening: Teach partners to paraphrase and reflect back what they hear, demonstrating that they are fully present and seeking to understand one another's perspectives.

Working with the Partner on the Receiving End

When one partner shuts down, the other may feel frustrated, abandoned, or helpless. Acknowledging these emotions is important for maintaining the therapeutic alliance and preventing further relationship damage. Assure the partner on the receiving end that their feelings make sense and that you empathize with their struggle.

It's also helpful to teach the non-stonewalling partner communication strategies that can reduce criticism or emotional intensity during conflicts:

• Use "I" statements: Encourage them to express their own feelings and needs, rather than attacking or blaming their partner. For example, "I feel lonely when I see you withdraw" instead of "You never talk to me."
• Avoid generalizations: Help them avoid words like "always" or "never," which can escalate tensions and make their partner feel defensive.
• Focus on specific behaviors: Guide them to address concrete actions or situations, rather than making broad judgments about their partner's character.
• Practice active listening: Teach them to paraphrase and reflect back what they hear, showing a genuine effort to understand their partner's perspective.

Overcoming stonewalling requires both partners to work on de-escalating conflicts and rebuilding their emotional connection and sense of safety with one another. Encourage a sense of teamwork by framing the issue as a shared challenge they can tackle together. Some strategies may include:

• Developing a shared signal or phrase to indicate when one partner feels overwhelmed and needs a break.
• Scheduling regular check-ins to address relationship concerns proactively.
• Engaging in activities or rituals that promote emotional intimacy and positive interactions.

The goal isn't to eliminate all conflict or negative emotions, but to help couples navigate these challenges with greater skill, empathy, and resilience.

Therapeutic Challenges and Opportunities

Addressing stonewalling in therapy presents unique challenges, particularly when the behavior is tied to deep-seated shame or fear of vulnerability. Clients might resist recognizing or admitting their stonewalling, as it can feel like an admission of wrongdoing or weakness. Therapists need to approach this resistance with empathy and patience, recognizing that it often comes from a place of self-protection.

A potential pitfall in addressing stonewalling is unintentionally reinforcing the shame or shutdown response. If the therapist appears judgmental, dismissive, or overly confrontational, it can further entrench the client's defensiveness and emotional withdrawal. Instead, therapists should aim to create a safe, non-judgmental environment where clients feel validated and understood, even as they work on changing their behavior.

Key strategies for navigating these challenges include:

• Normalizing the behavior: Acknowledge that stonewalling is a common response to feeling overwhelmed or threatened in relationships. This can help reduce shame and encourage openness to change.
• Reframing stonewalling as a learned coping mechanism: Help clients see that stonewalling often develops as a way to manage intense emotions or relationship dynamics. This perspective shifts away from blame and toward curiosity and growth.
• Exploring underlying fears and beliefs: Encourage clients to share what they fear might happen if they stay emotionally engaged during conflicts. This can reveal core beliefs about relationships, vulnerability, and self-worth.
• Modeling non-reactive, compassionate communication: Demonstrate how to express difficult emotions and needs without judgment or escalation. This can help clients internalize a new way of relating to themselves and others.

The therapeutic relationship itself serves as a powerful catalyst for change. When therapists embody non-reactive, compassionate communication, they provide a corrective emotional experience that can gradually chip away at the fear and shame underlying stonewalling. As clients experience the safety and acceptance of the therapeutic bond, they may feel more empowered to risk vulnerability and emotional engagement in their outside relationships.

Approaching stonewalling with empathy, skill, and patience helps therapists support clients in overcoming entrenched patterns of emotional withdrawal and building healthier, more intimate connections with others. While the process may be slow and challenging at times, the rewards – for both individuals and relationships can be significant.

Conclusion: Rebuilding Emotional Availability

Stonewalling is more than just silence in a relationship; it marks an emotional break that needs careful attention. As a therapist, you help clients recognize the cycle of stonewalling, manage their nervous systems, and reconnect through meaningful conversations with their partners.

Addressing stonewalling and rebuilding emotional availability involves key steps:

1. Awareness: Assist clients in identifying the patterns and triggers of stonewalling in their relationships. Encourage them to notice physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions that arise when they feel the urge to withdraw.
2. Regulation: Provide clients with practical strategies for managing the physiological and emotional arousal that often leads to stonewalling. This can include deep breathing exercises, grounding techniques, or mindfulness practices that foster calmness and emotional control.
3. Communication: Help clients develop healthier communication skills that encourage emotional connection and understanding. This may involve practicing active listening, using "I" statements, and expressing needs and feelings in a non-judgmental manner.
4. Vulnerability: Encourage clients to gradually open up and share their underlying fears, insecurities, or past hurts that may contribute to stonewalling. Create a safe and supportive environment where they can take emotional risks and build trust with their partner.
5. Repair: Guide clients in repairing emotional breaks caused by stonewalling. This may involve taking responsibility for their actions, expressing remorse, and committing to change. Help couples develop a shared language and approach for addressing conflicts and rebuilding connection.

When therapists approach stonewalling with skill and compassion, it can lead to significant changes in clients' relationships. Couples learn to handle difficult emotions together, fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and resilience. Ultimately, overcoming stonewalling allows clients to create emotionally available and supportive partnerships they seek.